Maybe I could have handled the return of a sweater to Eastern Mountain Sports a little better yesterday. The following is an approximate recreation of the experience:
Me: I’d like to return this sweater I got for Christmas. It’s defective. See? (I show the clerk where it’s been pilling.)
Clerk: Do you have a receipt?
Me: No.
Clerk: Then you can’t return it.
Me: I have the credit card that was used to purchase it. Can’t you look it up THAT way? I’ve done it here before.
Clerk: No. We’ve changed our policy. (She points to THE POLICY taped to counter.)
Me: Not even if I’m in the Rewards Program? I’ve bought tons of stuff here. I’m a good customer. I get things in the mail telling me how much I’m valued.
Clerk: (carefully examining the sweater) Hmmm… it’s got a burr in it.
Me: Yes, I walk in the woods a lot. What’s the burr have to do with anything, anyway?
Clerk (pointing to THE POLICY again): The burr is evidence that it’s been used in a non-casual setting. If you read our policy you can see that no items can be returned if they’ve been washed or used in a non-casual setting.
Me: But I thought all the stuff you sell here was meant for the outdoors!
Clerk: No, not our casual wear.
Me: Well, it’s definitely defective. The pilling is unrelated to the tiny burr you’ve discovered. It started pilling on the first day I wore it.
Clerk: All wool sweaters do that.
Me: No they don’t.
Clerk: Are you an expert on wool?
Me: No, but I’ve had lots of wool sweaters that didn’t pill like this. It’s not even a real wool sweater anyway. It’s some kind of blend. Probably a newly formulated blend that’ll be discontinued by the end of the season because of the pilling.
Clerk: All wool sweaters are a blend. There’s no such thing as a real wool sweater. Wool wouldn’t hold together without synthetic fibers to hold them together. (She proceeds to lecture me for another five minutes on the topic of fiber science.)
Me: You’re just making this up.
Clerk: Making what up?
Me: The bit about there being no such thing as real wool. If there was no such thing as real wool, what were the sweaters worn by Scottish fishermen made of before the advent of synthetic fibers?
Clerk: (growing to despise me) I’ll check with the manager.
15 minutes later:
Clerk: I talked to the manager… he confirmed that it’s against our policy to give a refund on an item that has been used in a non casual setting… the sweater DOES have a burr in it… you don’t have a receipt… the pilling IS normal wear and tear for any wool sweater… but…
Me: No it’s not! I might not be a wool expert, but in my lifetime I’ve probably owned over 100 sweaters; none of which have pilled like this! Never mind! I’ll just keep this one-step-from-the-seconds-bin piece of rubbish and…
(pause for dramatic effect and in a lower tone of voice:)
I vow to never purchase another sweater from this establishment so long as I live. (I begin to walk away in defiance.)
Krista: (who has now finished browsing and, unbeknownst to me, has come over to the customer service counter to see what has been taking me so long and has been listening to our conversation.)
Ummm… Lee, I think she was about to give you a refund.
Me: (directed toward clerk?) Really? Where you?
Clerk: I was. But now I guess you’ve decided to keep it.
Me: No, I’d like to return it. It’s defective.
After another ten minutes of negotiating and debating the technology of wool manufacture, I finally got a store credit, which Krista used to buy a nice new wool sweater.